The Counter Cultural

I have to say, I love being counter cultural. I’ve always had a knack for getting up peoples noses growing up because I always did the opposite to what everyone did. I wouldn’t label myself a hipster because that’s a mental illness where you can’t wear the same clothes for more than a day (quite literally) but by Ireland’s definition I probably am.

Here in Ireland by definition a hipster is just considered someone who likes to dress trendy and is artistic. Therefore a lot of people would label me as such and so what? It’s important to look good. It’s important to go out and get clothes that are the latest trend, stand out and be different. As long as they don’t compromise the faith and you’re not walking around like a hooker go right ahead.


In my youth we grow up doing what’s cool and rebellious because our peers, Movies, TV, Music preached to us what was deemed underground, cool and counter cultural. These people were our teachers not our parents because our parents fell asleep at the wheel. As a result we were raised by the philosophy of the secular world and the street.

To give you a little taste of just how my youth was is in the following paragraphs and I’ve kept it extremely short so as to move on. I think it’s important my readers learn a little more about me that they may understand where I used to be to where I am now.

My first ever time watching a graphic porn movie was when I was 10. I broke and egged peoples windows. We threw big rocks at lorries passing on the motorway. I had oral sex when I was twelve. I was 15 when I first had penetrative sex. My mates would bring their dads porn mags to school and we’d all sit in the shed and watch the most graphic and violent porn known to anyone.

I smoked cigarettes at the age of 12. I drank bottles of cider, smoked weed at the age of 13 and later ended up in hospital fighting for my life from the amount of drugs I swallowed. I got involved in the music industry. I ended up on social welfare at the age of 18 and thought I was gonna be a rock star. I’d left school in my teens so any prospect of an education or interest was lacking.

I moved to Scotland and fathered a child out of wedlock, came back home and that girl had left me and told me not to come back. I made plans to return because my loyalty is very strong and was lining up a job only that God stepped in at this point.

So if there’s anyone who was a cool kid and self styled philosopher it was certainly me.


It’s such a 360 degree turn of personality and the life I once led that it surprised absolutely everyone. My brother was the most affected by it and he even called the police on me claiming I’d gone mad and so four police men came to arrest me and take me back to the station. My doctor who also has a degree in Psychology was called late that night and he came down in an awful mood.

He said to me ”Stephen…what the FUCK is going on?”. I told him everything the complete truth as I’d seen, heard and felt it, and then at the end of it he got up and went out and said there’s nothing wrong with Stephen, he’s coherent and very much normal he just seems to have got himself involved in some cult. I was like no for the 100th time I’m Catholic.

Anyway the police then asked me what happened. You see my brother was dying for an excuse to put me away and so he used my grabbing of him in his photography studio as an excuse. Basically how events unfolded, I was in his shop and he began to taunt me with religious jokes and how the Catholic church is a dump. I just cracked and so I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and I got into his face and screamed ”This is real you. This is really really real. ….its real. ” I turned around before I left and fired a bottle of coke through him, how was I supposed to know it would go through the wall behind him?

In fact those whole couple of weeks that things took place, that was my mantra only not to everyone around me but mostly to myself. ”This is real it’s not fictional, its real. The entire Adam and Eve all the way to the Resurrection and today its all real and really happened.”

It was so easy for me to believe it because I was there. It was so hard for my brother and family to believe it because they weren’t there. Neither was doubting St.Thomas there which is why he couldn’t accept the testimony of the others ”But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.”

In the process of my conversion, I understood what it meant to be counter cultural. To be counter cultural meant to be like Jesus. In fact when one looks at the modern music and film industry as well as the modern philosophy preached to us from TV/Film, none of it is counter cultural. It’s very much reflects the philosophy society already consents to.

When you look at the Cross there you see what it means to be counter cultural and your proof that it is counter cultural is the negative reaction and hatred you receive from your peers, family, friends and society around you.

If you want to be cool you got to be Christian but you know…. its tough. To really grasp the teachings of the church and properly implement them in ones life is not readily easy.

Coming out as Christian in a family is a bit like coming out as gay. Depending upon what family you come from reactions can vary. Coming out as Christian is much tougher than coming out as gay because quite literally everyone abandons you. You can no longer really engage with them the way you used to so you kind of even just remove yourself from their presence.

Sometimes it can feel like God has punished you, bestowed upon you a great burden and you’ve become an estranged leper no longer able to engage with the world simply because of the change that has taken deep inside you.

In fact the change can be so dramatic that not even the priests and religious clergy can handle it. Not even Christians living a normal kind of life going to Church every Sunday can handle it.

Christianity in its purest counter cultural form is not an easy pill to swallow for many simply because they’re spiritually deafened and they’re purposefully (even priests and religious) not allowed to see the real thing.

People think that Christianity is peaceful and it is as Jesus talks plenty about peace, but there are only moments of peace. For the most part its very much a spiritual and mental war, not only with the spiritual but even having to go to war with family and friends around you because of you’re desire not to lose the treasure you’ve been given.

As you can see I jumped from one counter cultural ideology to another. Remember if you really want to be a rebellious kid and go against the norm of society you must become Christian. If you’ve too many friends and people still love you for ”who you are” you’re definitely not doing it right.

That said I’ll talk about having to live in the world. Children of light (pure Orthodox Christians) cannot do this because they’re too obvious to the devil and so they can’t fight him in that pure state so its probably better people like that retreat into a monastery and battle it out for our benefit and their own there.

I’ll talk about hiding oneself. You’re not going to like it, but neither do I and sadly have accumulated worldly habits, however it has to be done in certain situations as once the devil gets a sniff of you he’ll bark and let everyone know you’re there.

I’m not just talking about the worldly heathens. I’m also referring to the Clergy and theologians in the church too which I’ve recently given up on and handed over to the Lord. If they get even a whiff it can cause trouble and tension and ruin your plans.

It’s an entirely different post and I’m not sure I want to make any promises I will follow it up as I’m aware that there are people reading my blog who have an invested dislike in me and I wouldn’t want to cast my pearls before the swine.

All we need to know is that True Rebellion is Orthodox Christianity and it can only be found under the wing of Peter. The other wing is the people of the church like me and you and the Church can’t fly without us so it’s important we drop our intellectual study of theology and learn the true theology and study ourselves.

This is for you reading this: Discern who you are. Learn how to pray and praying does not envisage a few hail marys and prostrating before an icon numerous times.

Pray with your body and your soul by asking Jesus to help you discover who you are that you may know him. Your prayer will be your way of life. This is what it means to be a theologian to pray from the heart not from your own spirit but from a heart transformed.

Stop going around following visionaries and seers and prophets and having a taste for the beautiful whilst deep inside you’re spiritually dead. Become beautiful by seeking to awaken from your dream into the reality of the Divine. It is in that reality you will learn what really pleases God. If all these prophets and mystics you follow are leading you back to God, challenging you to live better and helping you then by all means indulge it, but if not then it’s time you reconsidered who it is you’re following.

Stop lining the pockets of these Catholic theologians with your money. Leave all that learning to the priests. Look for proper spiritual books that challenge you to awaken from the deep sleep you’re currently in. Follow the real theologians like St.Faustina, Garabandal, Medjugorje, Lourdes, Vassula Ryden (True Life In God). Follow the early fathers of the church, listen to the mystics of old.

Anyway you’re probably wondering, who are you to be giving advice? Are you claiming to be awake? The only answer I have to that is . . . how would I know? You tell me….. *snorreeeeeee*

















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I Give Something, I Get Something

Today, as I walked out of the underground car park in Dublin I spotted a Homeless lad sitting with his plastic cup.

I went over with money and dropped it in his cup and asked him ”How do I get to ”X” street? He pointed me in the direction of one street and said, when you get there ask someone again and they will point you in the right direction as it’s not as easy to direct from here”.

Great so I did that and before I left I asked him how he was doing and I moved on. It wasn’t until I was half way up the street did it begin to dawn upon me I gave no charity at all.

I gave it to him because I needed his help. I didn’t give to him out of the goodness of my heart with no strings attached, rather I saw something he could give me and that if I gave him this thing he needed he would agree to help me. They call it the language of reciprocity where you give something to someone and they feel obliged to respond.

For example when someone salutes you ”Hello” and you feel the need to reciprocate with a ”Hello” back this is known as the language of reciprocity.

That language is as you see it on an obvious platform, but it’s at its more dangerous when it is hidden. We are always looking for something in return even on an emotional level. We are using people all the time and rarely do we ever realize this.

We seek to develop friendships with those who share only the same opinions and religious beliefs as us. We use them to satisfy our desire to talk about spiritual matters. Everything we do always has ”Me, me, me ” in there doesn’t it?

This sounds like a challenging one but when I see a man protect a woman from a mugger, I often wonder what motivates him to do it, is it the thought of being praised the local hero and receiving the medal of honor? If so can it really be called charity?

Charity in truth is when we spring into action without any selfish motive at all. I often wonder why Catholics create blogs like this one or online videos like Michael Voris. Is it because we are looking for the approval of our Catholic peers?

I always ask myself why why why why. But today I was caught off guard that the Lord may humble me lest I become too proud.

I give something, I get something. I give the Lord an hour of my time today because I really need a cure from this tumor, but before the tumor I gave him no time at all. We do the same with God, always asking, never giving and always giving with an expectation of an answer to our prayer or demands.

Give to charity but don’t look for a pat on the back. Give in truth not with a premeditated plan to get something in return. God bless.




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What To Do When Someone Tells You ”Jesus Speaks To Me”

There are many people out there claiming they have this experience or that experience. Others like to talk about how Jesus speaks to them and so on.

How should we approach this? Well some have mental instabilities that are obvious to the trained eye but that does not mean we shouldn’t show them compassion and give them an ear. For example I use to walk door to door as a sales man. I came across this woman and when I knocked on her door I did think to myself ”Oh no, not this one, she likes to talk and I’ll be here forever”.

She invited me in and so I went in. She began to talk about how she heard the Lord talk to her and that she saw the Divine Mercy colors when she was praying. Then all of a sudden she says ”Stephen, they’re trying to get us, don’t look now but you see that little black thing on top of the lamppost outside on the street? I decided to play along and take a look at what a mere cover for the lamppost.

She continued in a whisper ”they’re secretly watching us, quick, don’t look now.” She wasn’t quite finished yet, ”Stephen, the little red light that shows on the television when you turn it off they’re using this to watch you”. It’s at this moment I’m looking at my watch thinking ”I haven’t time for this crap, I got some doors to be knocking and sales to be making so whilst I excused myself, she followed me and kept talking. Her talking continued as I walked down the footpath and out the gate.

Troubled but a woman who is obviously sick and the last thing she needs is someone being insulting with her. Which is why I was surprised to hear an exorcist Fr.Ripperger talk about how he had a woman come to him and say ”Father, Jesus speaks to me” and his response? ”Ohhhh good for you” and his whole congregation who he’s telling the story to laughs.

I found this priest on YouTube. I know that exorcist no matter their own spiritual disposition and training are not perfect themselves but that was a cruel response.

That is not the way to handle it. The way to handle it is to simply listen to the person whose confiding in you this thing. Just listen and thank the person for relating this information to you. Then ask ”so what does he say?” ”Oh he says that Hillary Clinton will be the next president”. Ok so now we know it can’t be Jesus hahaha. but don’t laugh at them. Invite them to reconsider whether or not this is from God and perhaps the devil?

Mostly messages from the devil will be devoid of Love and always focus on the political. It’s really a mixed bag to be honest as you never know if they’re supernaturally listening to the devils voice or it’s just from their own spirit which is perhaps sick and so they suffer with a psychological condition.

But just listen to them as listening is your greatest weapon. Never turn them away or dismiss them. Testing the spirits with these souls in a gentle manner would be the more appropriate response. Sadly some of the untrained eyes get suckered in to believing these beloved souls of God and they end up in a bad spiritual state themselves as a result.

Don’t be like Fr.Ripperger who thinks it’s so cool to ridicule them. Oh look at me I’m so cool I just go by my faith man I don’t need to private revelations. Dangerous route to go down because although there are many false revelations as numerous as the stars, you may one day come across the rose among thorns and like the people in the Gospel you may find yourself cast outside saying ”What? but when where you hungry ? I didn’t know, I thought I was doing great, your work.” Fr.Ripperger I’ve no idea if he is SSPX or a normal priest but whilst he may have done many successful exorcism this power given to him does not warrant him automatic approval from God of his behaviour and every move.

Approach them with Love. If you’ve any limited training in the discernment of Spirits use it to help them, if not keep your mouth shut and direct them to a Holy priest willing to lend them an ear.

Some try to discern and falsely assume that because the person claiming God came to them didn’t even bother to test the spirits, that somehow this automatically means it isn’t from God. Thats not true, take a look at the woman at the well in scripture. Did she run off into her village looking for a priest to help her discern if what she saw and heard was real? No she ran in and told everyone about what GOD had done for her and many believed her testimony.

Even the apostles themselves never consulted anyone they simply followed Jesus and that was that. So be careful because you never know.

The Early church used to be able to discern quickly. Today the church uses a long measuring stick which I know Jesus doesn’t like but is necessary however this measuring stick is proving to be a hindrance as because of Fatima we had wars and it was approved too late. But its ok, all these things sadly are meant to be. Like Jesus allowed the heart of pharaoh to be stubborn so too he allows the church to be stubborn. he does it so that one day the ones who persecuted his modern prophets and seers will be swallowed in the sea of their own choosing and he will appear victorious.

Therefore be careful about how you navigate the person who approaches you with an alleged apparition or revelation. Don’t be cruel. Help them.

God bless


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Liturgical Relativism

I spoke with a priest recently and the conversation moved to Liturgical music. He heard I played guitar and so he wanted to involve me in his gospel group.

I quickly declined the invitation in the nicest way possible. ”what you don’t lift the hand high?” as to infer I don’t like the whole ”praise the lawwwddddd” stuff at least in the context of the Liturgy.

Answer was no I don’t. He tried to explain to me that he has been reading books that talk about how we need to use the culture to try and help convert them. In other words using modern music and giving the lyrical application and theme of Jesus to it.

Furthermore there is a whole culture out there he explained where people love the somber Gregorian chant but not everyone is like that or likes this music. Sometimes it’s important to have joyful music he said.

It’s at this point I’m thinking these people don’t really and truly understand the public perception of what it is they’re doing and have a wrong perception of what joy is. Music does toy with our emotions but there’s a difference between feeling joyful and being joyful. True joy is found in the application of oneself to a particular discipline.

For example when we look at Islam it has all the discipline but it has no joy or love. When we look at the Catholic and protestant west we see all the joyful uplifting and praise and good emotions but no discipline, no real depth. In the Orthodox Church one can see both joy and discipline coming together nicely.

Anyway I explained that he said himself the architecture of the church all lends itself to the mystical and I continued that so when you stick a drum and a rock guitar in there it looks out of place with the whole scene and interior of the Church.

It’s not just my opinion but every soul that walks into that church can feel it in their gut that whilst the music in itself is nice, it doesn’t fit the actual dramatic scene of Calvary before them on the altar. It’s wishy washy and people don’t come to mass to experience the world again, they come to experience an other worldliness. They come to see, hear and smell there’s a fine line between US (the church, heaven, the kingdom, Jesus ) and THEM (the world, secularism, atheism, the playground of the demonic).

I understand the mystical side of it and I’ll get to my history as a musician/singer/songwriter in a minute. But if you want to be the pink floyd of Christianity God has given it to you, it’s called the Charismatic group. Go there but sadly the Charismatics have invaded the Parish church and now everything is upside down in there they’ve ruined the discipline that held it all together because their type of worship doesn’t suit the parish liturgical life.

Tonight I watched Lord of the Rings the two towers. I saw that the music fits the movie. If you were to put some indie folk music in there or even star wars music it wouldn’t fit. It just wouldn’t be the Lord of the rings would it? It’s the same with the Mass. When you insert that type of modern music it no longer looks or feels like the Mass, that something heavenly is taking place.

I understand that we need to use the culture and that this helps conversion. St.Paul VI said this in his encyclical and I’ll never forget what he said although I do forget the encyclical in which he said it. But he said that the use of the local culture is important and helps with conversion but to always remember that God is above the culture.

I hate to boast but there’s nobody who understands the liberal, secular culture like I do. I was immersed in the music, drugs and sex scene for years. I have smoke joints with Ian Browns musicians, I’ve supported acts like Rick the drummer of the Jam (He had his own band once and I forget the name of it already). I’d been involved and friends with Los Angeles biggest movies critics for film/tv later in life also.

I drank and puked in the darkest of places. I’d a different woman almost every other weekend.

I just know the mindset of this culture this priest thinks he’s converting and they think your music is absolutely horrible and horrible is not the word they’d use for it, it’s way too kind for a description of what they think.

I don’t think it’s horrible but it just doesn’t fit THE SCENE of what’s going on at Mass. I told him that I highly doubt that when I die, that Jesus is going to greet me on a cloud with a rock band behind him.

This music is great for a youth festival/retreat and works well in that setting but NOT at the Celebration of the Mass.

I’ve been having a discussion with atheists about this who used to be a part of the Church. They say that music is diabolical. They hate it. Is it any wonder people are leaving the church at an alarming rate. You may not think it but the Divine Liturgy is what keeps people coming to the church and it’s the divine Liturgy which helps them from youth to realize then that the teachings of the church are not to be taken lightly.

But for as long as they see you compromise with the world on the Liturgy they then don’t see any issue with Compromise also on the teachings of the church. Everything is connected, when you sever one thing and rupture the Liturgy you cut off everything else that the Liturgy gave meaning to which is the teachings of Christ.

Discipline and Love are not distant cousins but brother and sister. Without them both we have a broken family, a broken Church.

Sadly we live in a world of Liturgical Relativism. The Folk mass is not right for you, but it’s right for me. You may like incense and candles but ya know, I prefer the glow of an artificial light.

It’s really sad and so you can see why I don’t bother fighting it. I was glad to leave him at that because I really hate getting into a discussion with priests over it because I know that you cannot preach to someone whose already made their mind up. Never teach a pig how to sing, it only wastes your time and it irritates the pig.

I’ve given up teaching pigs how to sing and I’d rather just get on with my life. The Church will enter it’s dark period and there’s nothing I can do to stop that. But does it mean I must be a part of it? Perhaps so but very reluctantly.





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Dreams, what are they? This was my sisters question at my sons 6th birthday party.

My simple explanation was they are mostly due to several factors like what you ate can have an influence. In addition they can be just reflections of your current spiritual and emotional state.

Our dreams can be a tell tale sign of how sick our soul is and so if our prayer life isn’t too good we can end up with a lot of nasty dreams because when our prayer life is weak we open ourselves to bad emotional habits.

The Divine and the Devil can interfere in our dreams. It’s mostly the devil. You’ll recognize him because its a lot of anxiety and shouting in the dream. Sometimes he mimics the face of Jesus but it turns menacing very quickly and so your soul will recognize who is who pretty quickly.

Dreams from Jesus which are extremely…..extremely rare, are filled with peace and no fear at all.

The Devil is more of a nuisance. He enters your dreams especially when you’re on the road back to God or are a prayerful person. He’ll have you tortured and it’s quite scary. I have regular dreams of him pulling me down to hell and screeching in my ear. It is quickly ended when in my dream I shout out the prayer of St.Michael and then I awaken. I do this within the dream every single time.

He’s trying to dissuade us from our progress in prayer. That’s all he can do really is dissuade you and intimidate you and only has as much power over you as the Lord allows him to.

Another example is my wife. I met my wife on and it when we got talking first before we’d ever met she said she’d never been to confession before. I told her she has to go. She scheduled an appointment with the priest in her diocese of New Jersey city. The night before the morning of the meeting with the priest she called me and told me of the dream she had.

She explained that she was in the confession box and on the other side of the confession box behind the grid was the devil hissing and scratching with long nails along the wood. She awoke frightened, called me and said she couldn’t go to confession. I explained that it’s just the Devil trying to intimidate you because pretty soon, you will receive full absolution and no longer belong to him.

It turned out Audreys problem was she had an abortion, something she did not confess nor all the drug taking etc etc.

Ah, now you see how the devil can enter dreams? We will always have menacing dreams but our dreams often reflect the state of our soul or they confirm we are on the right path. Audreys certainly reflected a dream of someone who was making the right journey home.

Good night, sleep tight, don’t eat too much cheese.


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Surrounded By People Who Want To Convert Me

Christos Annesti!

They’re good people whom I love dearly and I know have good intentions, but I am surrounded by many who are trying to rope me in and get me involved in their religious communities. Some may offer an invitation to their Church and some may try and use something I possess like my photography for example to get me involved. Why? because people see I’m interested in the Orthodox church and so the Orthodox want to help me and the Catholics see I’m looking for a good excuse to leave the Catholic Church as I’m concerned for my boys and families spiritual future and growth (which I don’t believe they’re getting in the overtly feminine Catholic Church) and so naturally are employing tactics to get me to stay.

It’s a good idea and I like their strategies because one knows that when you’re embedded into a group there’s a better chance you’ll remain in the Church or become part of theirs. I know my photography is awful so when someone asks me to come in and do it for them I’m always aware of the reasons why and its not because I’m any good at it (I’ve only being doing photography since 2013) but because they want to use it as a means to get me involved.

That said I enjoy doing it anyway if it contributes towards the church and the cause because I hold both of these things dear to my heart anyway.

I would just prefer it if people would not approach me in a roundabout way and do it directly be blunt and just come out with it. I don’t like to praise myself but I’m a little more astute than most people think in examining situations. I’d prefer it people just said ”Stephen would you like to speak with someone about why you want to leave the church or for any other help you may need?”

Great, its just so great because it eliminates the wastage of time inviting me here nor there. Again I’m not praising myself here or boasting but that’s something you do with someone whose spiritually asleep and who needs a gentle awakening and introduction to the faith because they’ve been hammered by secularism and numb to all things spiritual for years.

I on the other hand am a different kettle of fish altogether and to be honest there’s really no need to convert me because the massive row that’s going on between me and God at the moment over his Church he’s brought me into will be ongoing and there’s nothing you can do about it. I possess my own spirituality in the sense that I go to Mass once a week and confession, accept all the churches wonderful teachings and I’m happy to leave it at that with everything else in between such as the odd devotional prayer.

When I came into the Church I’ve done my bit in my immediate local community, tried to get involved and realized the church from laity to bishop wont listen to reason and so getting any more involved in the Catholic Church would drive me absolutely more bonkers than I already am.

I’m happy in the job I’m currently in and I’ve returned to what I consider a fairly normal life and I’m at peace now with that so just leave me be and focus on those who need your attention. It’s not your fault, its mine for advertising my difficulties on facebook and wordpress but you’re better off ignoring my rants and getting on with your own life. You have enough to be worrying about me.







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The Theology Of Roman Catholics On First Holy Communion

There are some theological innovations of Roman Catholics I actually like. Adoration is one of them. There are some theological innovations however that Christ puts up with because the church have the keys but that make no sense to those of us in the East.

When administering the Sacraments they used to do what the Orthodox do which is Baptize, give Holy Communion and Confirmation all in one go. Now it has become a case of separating all of these.

I don’t know why that began but the theological arguments I’ve heard from both east and west in its simplest form is as follows.

The East argue that Jesus says let the little children come to me and do not refuse them. The Western Church seem to use St.Pauls argument that unless someone can truly recognise the Eucharist as the Body of Christ they shouldn’t be admitted. Therefore until the child reaches the age of reason, they should not be admitted.

It appears that the Roman Catholic one makes sense. Nobody is refusing the children in their regard because we are just doing what is in their interests.

Years ago I thought about this. Honestly things like this would make me just sit and think all day because I love arguing against stuff for the sake of arguing. If arguing was a sport I’d have a cabinet full of trophies.

I came up with something that so far seems to be legit and I’ve held fast to this day as a logical argument against the Roman Catholic practice.

Does a mother refuse her child the breast because he doesn’t understand it? He has no concept of what it is, breast, nipple, milk,  yet it’s food that is necessary for his growth. It is the same with the Holy Eucharist. Does the Lord refuse himself to the little child? No of course not because The Lord, like a good mother will give his sons the food of eternal life which is necessary for his spiritual growth in this world.

So what about St.Paul? If Jesus says don’t stop the children from coming to me and St.Paul argues that we shouldn’t admit those who do not recognize the Body of Christ then can scripture contradict itself? Truth cannot contradict truth so why then are Children an exception to this rule? Because the very fact they’re naturally ignorant makes them exempt but not excluded from the Mystical Supper of the Lord.

It’s one of the innovations of Roman Catholics that I will never be able to comprehend and make sense of.




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J.R.R Tolkiens Vision For Christian Unity


In the Lord of the rings I’ve always had a theory of Tolkien’s vision of the modern church today in all its splintered glory.

The Catholics (the elves), the Orthodox (the bearded dwarfs) and the Men (the protestants). The Catholics and Orthodox being elves and dwarf and are not portrayed like the men because they’re other worldly and mystical whereas the protestant culture doesn’t have these characteristics of theology.

In addition to these Tolkien has the Orthodox (Dwarves) down to a T. They are often very loud, grumpy and uncompromising much like the Orthodox Church of today. They are very manly whereas the Elves (Catholics) are very feminine looking. It’s a weird way of looking at it but tell me I’m wrong haha.

In Tolkiens vision we see that in order for the entire kingdom to eliminate the powers of Darkness and put a lid on it, All the elves, dwarfs and men must unite. What about the hobbits, who are they? We will get to that in a minute.

Without unity the powers of darkness rule and for as long as there is discord and no harmony within Christendom, the devil has much more of a foothold. Today, even though we may have our theological differences, without Christians settling their differences and coming together to unite against the powers of atheism and secularism, it will have constant rule over us.

What about the hobbits? Isn’t funny how Frodo is given the job of getting rid of the ring? He’s light footed, small and nobody will see him come in the back door. Who are the hobbits in the church? The hobbits are the mystics. The children (vassula ryden, fatima, medjugorje and Garabandal to name some examples) who nobody ever sees. They’ve been chosen because they will be light footed and are usually unseen because their humility gives them no cause to be seen.

When we are humble, the devil can neither see nor touch us. It’s only those of us who are full of sin who become entangled in him and come under his fire. Jesus has always chosen the weak in the Bible to be his prophets. They may not have all been perfect but they were chosen nevertheless to lead the Church into the future and back to God.

However these little hobbits can’t do it alone. They need the help and guidance of the world around them to take them there. They need a spiritual director (Gandalf) and they need others to guide them (the elves, dwarf and men) because without them and their unity they will never defeat darkness.

The call of God for the entire Christendom is unity because without it Christians will be overcome. Scripture says a divided house cannot stand. If Christians are at each others throats is it any wonder darkness has the upper hand?

We need to become small and humble like the little hobbits. We need to become like this in order to fight evil. I do believe that this movie was J.R.R Tolkiens message of unity for the modern and broken Church.

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Loving Your Enemy

Loving your enemy is a Grace so it’s not something we can learn. But there are exercises I do that I find helpful and when Christ sees the effort we put into trying He will often bestow upon us the Grace if He wants.

I take a picture of someone in my mind who find really mean and horrible. I picture this person and I try to view them as Christ would do so. How does Christ see this person in comparison to me? Is his love any different for me than it is for him?

It could be someone close to you who committed a red scarlet sin. It could be a member of Isis you saw behead or kill someone. Whatever and whoever it may be, it helps to picture that person when they were an innocent baby themselves before they became who they did.

When I do this and ask these questions, I suddenly feel love for them. If at any time I do this and I don’t feel love for them and the hatred is strong, it is because my prayer life is weak and relationship with God needs more attention.

Everything has its root in our relationship with God. How we approach certain situations will all determine on our relationship or lack thereof with Jesus.

Try it, I find that it works and well as praying for them. How do you go about forgiving your enemies?

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The Long Goodbye To Catholicism

My spiritual confusion has reached an all time pique. I went from someone who was unsure about his spirituality exploring Buddhism, Hinduism, to becoming Catholic again. I was so sure of myself because of the encounter I had and spiritual happenings that took place whilst on route to a deeper relationship with that.

Now I’ve gradually lost my interest over the years. I used to go to Mass every day or week and studied everything book that I could find. Like all spiritual beginners I grabbed all the icons and crucifixes, books and necklaces one can find.

Not only that but I was interested in actually practicing the faith. The encounter I had turned my attitude around 360 degrees. What may be odd to some but not to those who are spiritually tuned in, is that mystical experiences does not mean you wont lose the run of yourself and take a nosedive in your relationship with God.

That’s whats happened me. After a while I began to convince myself that what I saw, felt and experienced and the mark I’ve been left with afterwards was and continues to be all in my head. I’ve done this so I can somehow escape this Church which I feel no longer serves me or my existing children’s spiritual growth.

Other days I really wished I never had any encounter and could return back to my life of what I considered ordinary living. I played guitar, sang and I went to the pub every night and had plenty of people to hang out with.

I always considered myself capable of major wrong doing but not as bad as the atheist with 666 written on his forehead down the road. Why didn’t the Lord reach out and find him? Why did he have to come and bother me all of a sudden and what makes me so special that he had to do what he did?

All these thoughts run through my brain and there are times when I become overwhelmed.

Then I get introduced to the Orthodox church more and more. I feel so rested in that church. Whenever I’m in a Catholic church or group I feel agitated and unable to find rest in it. It was never that way before and I could withstand any amount of modernist rubbish thrown at me, but as time progressed I became increasingly angry towards all things Catholic.

Even so, saying goodbye was hard to do so I began to make one last attempt to quietly deal with what happened me. I rang the local diocese and asked to see an exorcist and go through whatever procedures necessary. The lady told me I’d have to explain it to my immediate parish priest, and if he felt strongly enough about it he’d have to represent me for an exorcism.

In between trying to make this arrangement I met one priest who said it wasn’t from God. Great I thought, I finally have some sort of answer and will have this sorted in no time but nothing came from it as I realized inappropriate help was being offered that raised a red flag for me.

Then I went to the immediate parish priest who having listened to everything from my climb to my fall and to my existing state and how I’m convinced it’s not of God he said ”Stephen…what you have is ”X” and it’s from God. Your whats known as a ”X” soul and I cannot give you exorcism or represent you because you show no signs of the demonic”.

I pleaded with him and asked him not to be so naive because my daily life does not reflect that of a holy person and the fact that I even have a love for the Orthodox church should be enough of a tell tale sign. His response was ”I can only represent you if you show signs of the demonic but you don’t. ” ”You have lost your way and now it’s time to accept what has been given you and to move on and continue to live your life and come back to God and his church, its as simple as that.”

Another priest also felt it was from God and said that the reason I am in the current state I am is because I’ve no spiritual guide, nobody to guide me.

I’m at the stage now where I’m totally lost. In the beginning when it first happened I was so sure of myself it was from God and wanted to tell everyone but priests would tell me it is not from God. Now I go and tell priests its not from God and they tell me it is.

Either way I’m still here with nobody to help or represent me. It makes me even more angry towards Catholicism because you see so many people following all these people in my country who believe they’re having all sorts of apparitions when they’re most likely not and yet here I am in my house for 8 years (with no followers thank you Jesus haha) sitting with something that I’ve been ignoring for the last 7 years very open to the idea of not being from God. I would love to get an answer so I can get on with my daily life but unable to get any help whatsoever.

The only people who know are my parents, priests, my wife and that’s it. I’m reluctant to tell anyone as I’ve realized its of no spiritual benefit to anyone so there’s no point. It’s also spiritually too much for some to handle.

So the goodbye to Catholicism is taking longer than expected. I would love for nothing but to enter the Orthodox church and be rested. I feel like the agitated King Saul whose agitated moods could only be soothed by the playing of the Harp. I feel like this every time I visit an Orthodox Church. The Orthodox church may not think it, but they’ve no idea how much they please God.

The Catholic church whilst I continue to believe it is the one true Church, has become an absolute circus. I really don’t like it and so I find my peace by just attending confession and Liturgy. Any other invites that require social gatherings in the church I always avoid as the more I interact with it, the more I become disillusioned with it.

Back to my predicament there is hope though. I was passed to this guy who apparently has the gift of reading hearts. I know, sounds ridiculous and I’d probably not approach people like this but I’m desperate at this stage. I email him and he tells me he has a waiting list of phone calls ( he phones you and talks with you over the phone) and so I’ve to wait a whole year. Whether or not he’s the real deal I don’t know. Don’t care at this stage as I’m desperate for answers. I’m afraid that I’m gonna die and never know. that’s my biggest bug bear.









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