The word that everyone dreads, the modern-age plague that everyone fears has suddenly come upon my Wife who is six months pregnant. On the 15th of December 2012, the feast of St.John of the Cross ( I have most of his books and he is a favorite saint of mine ) my wife and I are given the horrible news.
We became like two empty people whose bodies were functioning but mind was out of sync ever since then. We left the restaurant that day without paying. We were greeted by the waitress who came waving the bill at us and even then we didn’t even realize we had forgotten to pay the bill until she explained. It seemed to get worse from there on. Audrey ( my wife ) had to shout at me a couple of times to get my attention because I would be found staring into space and likewise with me, sometimes getting her attention was difficult.
That night we had left the door of the cars open all night. Thank God it didn’t rain but the whole car was frozen on the inside. Anyone could have robbed it but to be honest I don’t think we would have cared.
My wife, my best friend next to Jesus Christ has cancer. The thought of losing ones soul-mate really does flood your heart and mind from then on in. You try not to have that way of thinking and follow peoples advice of keeping it together and staying postitive, but the more I try, all the more such negative thoughts consume me; spreading like a flame my lips are too weak to blow out.
Yesterday I went to Mass alone as Audrey was unwell and it was Rejoice Sunday ( third Sunday of Advent ). Priest said ”Rejoice, rejoice and again I say rejoice”. There I was standing with the most tired eyes from having 4 hours sleep, un-showered, stinking and depressed body & soul. I was trying to find a way to rejoice. How could I rejoice? I had just no reaction in me whatsoever. I left the Church that day and in my forgetfulness I had misplaced my hat and hat to return through the crowd to get it.
Going back to thinking about being told this news on the feast of St.John of the Cross I began to think and meditate on his name. ”St.John of the Cross” I thought, ”He could have picked the name ‘St.John of Joy’ or ‘St.John of flowers’ or ‘St.John of happy smiley faces’. But he didn’t. He chose the name ‘St.John of the Cross’. I thought that this cancer for Audrey is just too hard to bear but When I think now about my wifes suffering and I am wondering where Jesus is, I now think of him on the Cross. ”Yes” I said, ”Jesus is on the Cross looking at us suffering too.”
Our Lord suffered greatest of us all. The king of kings died a gruesome death for us on the cross, totally united to suffering and also taken aback by it too. His human nature screamed out ”My God my God why have you forsaken me?” Just like we do when we are in terrible suffering. But he stuck it out until the end for Love of His Father and Love of us.
I could spend a lot of time on that one but I am afraid I do not have the time as my wife Audrey is going into hospital tomorrow. She is feeling unwell and I am also. We both are. She is my body, and I am hers. Therefore when my wife is feeling unwell I am too. When my wife is upset, I am also. When she is happy I am happy. But when she feels like having a beer I remind her she is pregnant and I go ahead and have a beer regardless. 😉
I guess what I am trying to say is that although Audreys Cross is a heavy one, I am there to help her carry it and not unwillingly like Symon of Cyrene in the Gospel. We are told to carry our crosses with joy in life and although those words may seem like salt in the wound to some, they are liberating when truly lived. However we are weak and we do fall under this cross and fail to live out such words so I would beg of you for your prayers at this time to help us both get through this, particularly Audrey. The operation is tomorrow at 8am Irish time. I do believe that would be 1pm EST and 3pm PST. I would ask for your prayers for healing and deliverance. I would invite you also to call upon the intercession of St.Gianna Beretta Molla, a Great Saint and Mother who sacrificed her life for her unborn child. She was also a doctor and I am sure she is close by us. She is always around and I am currently doing a Novena in her Honor.
I will leave you with some thoughts. Today I bought a Bonsai Tree. I have not the slightest clue how to look after them. It is just a little tree, I thought it would look nice in my window. I take it home and realize the long list of care and hard work that goes along with taking care of this little tree. I thought to myself ”I might as well have bought a dog”. I wondered how could just a little tree like that require so much care? I have to water it, make sure it stays out of direct sunlight and I also have to feed it within certain months of the year and blah blah blah I could go on forever with the list. Allow me to stop here for a moment because, when you think about it, we are all just little Bonsai trees in the eyes of the Lord Jesus Christ aren’t we? The Blessed Mother sees us this way too. Jesus needs to water us, prune us so that we bear more fruit, ( a painful process but nonetheless a needed one ).
I thought ”This bonsai tree I have bears fruit in summer and flowers, then in winter sheds all this and bears its green leaves and awaits its spring again.” Most often that is an image of us. Like us, Jesus watches how we bear fruit and flower and blossom with happiness and he is there. Then when that period of happiness has gone and the sudden gloom envelops us for sometime, he is there watching us and caring for us also. He does not discard of us because we cease to entertain, but simply listens to our cry for a new spring and then when the almighty is ready he will bend the laws of nature, reach down and give us that spring and we blossom.
I do believe my wife who is experiencing gloom at the moment, with enough prayer, will eventually blossom. Like a Bonsai Tree, we are only small and fragile, and I guess we are only ever safe when entrusted to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the care of His Mother also. Our Mother is with us in this pain I just know it. If my son ever decides on the religious life and asks me what name he should choose, I think I’ll tell him to go for ”Bonsai” haha.
Thank you all for reading and thank you for your prayers of healing and deliverance.