I’ve been trying to examine myself and why it is I’ve come to abhor the Roman Catholic Church so much. I’m either still here because my wife won’t allow me to leave or because my conscience and experience with Christ won’t allow me to.
Whatever experience I’ve had with Christ has really screwed with my brain. There are days I have when I don’t Beleive it happened. There are days I question my psyche.
“But it was so real ” is often what I repeat over and over again. Or “Maybe it was real but it was the devil because look at your sinful self now and how horrible you are and all the bad language you come out with. If it was from God, you’d be holy by now surely.”
There used to be days when I would go into the church and beg God to take it back. I’d rub my head and tell him to take it away this prickly thing and burning on my head and just let me go back to being the Stephen I was before.
Like a husband sick of seeing his wife every day of the week I tell Jesus to leave me alone.
I tried to return to my old musical, pub attending self adoring man I used to be. One night I came home so drunk from meeting old friends and I told Jesus to fuck off and yet still this prickly sensation and burning from the night we met was still there. Wouldn’t go away.
I said sorry the next morning, picked myself up and moved on.
No matter how hard I tried I cannot get rid of Jesus. It’s like he’s here to stay and that’s that.
I can’t handle the Roman Catholic Church and I don’t feel at peace in it. I walk into an Orthodox Church and I feel as if an aunt or uncle is taking care of me until man and dad get better and I can go home. It ( The Orthodox ) feeds my addiction somehow of being close to God, helping me draw near to him yet I feel and know deep down that the Catholic Church is the one true Church.
There are days when I don’t want to look at any Christian Church at all. I just want to forget about all of it. My experiences ….everything. I remember when I first asked my wife to marry me. Before we tied the knot I told her everything that happened me. Either she thought I was crazy and would leave me or Beleive me somehow and stay.
Since we’ve been married we’ve spoken three times about what happened me but I’ve never spoken to anyone else about it since. I leave it alone. I ignore it. Of what use is it to people anyway? How would they benefit from it? No point in telling anyone.
But this whole Christian thing drives me mad. I can’t leave because deep down I know it’s real and even though I know it’s real I still need faith because I don’t trust it’s real all the time. Even though I’ve had what happened to me I still need faith and often lose it.
All I know is the Roman Catholic Church annoys me Yet I can’t leave her or disbelieve in her. I’ve tried but no matter what Jesus knows that I know I can’t leave.
I don’t go to prayer groups or bible groups. I don’t like mixing with other Christians or priests because they annoy me to such an extent that they revive in me the desire to go home and forget about Christianity.
All I wanna do is go to Mass on Sunday ( reluctantly to a Roman one ) and confession Saturday. That’s it. I’m just so angry at God and the Catholic Church. I ask him why he’s allowing this devastation of his church. With what I’ve seen and know i have felt like a man behind a soundproof piece of glass.
I’m banging the glass , shouting and warning people of imminent danger but they don’t hear me. I can see it coming or happening but they don’t see me or hear me. How frustrating is that? It’s become so frustrating that I’ve stopped banging and shouting. I’ve stopped writing cardinals letters as well as bishops and priests.
I just allow God to take his course. Now I’m a door to door sales man and I focus on this. I like the freedom of the job and meeting people on a daily basis. I carry a copy of the bible around but I rarely get to read it anymore. I guess I just keep it there for protection same as a rosary.
I tend to keep a rosary in my pocket but I don’t pray it as mush as I used to. I’m frustrated with myself, God and everything.
In addition to this I’ve the devil annoying me. He never sleeps and im tortured. Mentally exhausted. Sometimes I give in as my soul is so weakened by lack of prayer and grace because my sins pile up and up so much that bouncing back from a hard fall is so difficult and so I don’t bother.
“I’ll go to mass and confession and that will have to do for now” I tell myself.
Please pray for me.