At the end of March, my daughter whom I have not seen since she was 9 months old will be 10 at the end of this month.
To say I’m gloomy when I think of her would be an understatement. When I knew I’d never be able to become a part of her life anymore it felt like someone had died.
That’s what it feels like and I’ve been grieving her loss her since. I hung up my guitar and left the music scene. I drowned myself in alcohol every night and I was back living in my old room with my mother and father again.
Like St.Ignatius of Loyola, when hit with the cannon ball and hospitalized, I’d all the time in the world to sit and reflect on who I was, where I come from and where I was going. That is how God seems to get a lot of us huh?
Like Ignatius I’d all the time to read about the lives of the saints and God came along like a thief in the night to snatch me from the snares of my own doing.
Since then I’ve tried to get over my daughter Erin and move on but it’s difficult.Often I look at the little card I have of her in my wallet which has her picture on it taken by a photographer on the day in the hospital.
I wonder what she looks like now. What music does she like and if she sits and ever wonders who her real dad is or is she old enough to be made aware of that who knows?
Whatever the case may be, it eats me up inside knowing I might die someday having never seen her again. Her mother is extremely anti religion and of the artistic liberal variety and her unusual hatred for me runs deep enough that sometimes I get the feeling she’ll never let her know I exist.
I rest however knowing that I helped in avoiding her abortion. Her Granny wanted her aborted. When the mother came crying to me I pleaded with her not to do that. The nurse must have been an angel because she asked her if she’d at least look at a scan? She did and made a firm resolution not to abort much to her mothers disappointment. This of course was the protestant Christian who went to mass every sunday but wanted to abort her grandaughter. Would make ya sick.
I’ll never forget the granny coming up that day and fawning all over the new born Erin. Just yesterday she wanted her killed and look at her today.
Apart from playing a role her escape from an abortion, I also got to cut her umbilical cord and be the first man to hold her. In my wild depression when the devil is attacking me from all sides, these thought’s of mine help calm me down.
It’s 21:50pm and she’s out there somewhere asleep. I pray God gives her a little dream of me and I always continue to pray for her conversion to the Catholic faith.
Lord have mercy I’m destroyed over it.