My spiritual confusion has reached an all time pique. I went from someone who was unsure about his spirituality exploring Buddhism, Hinduism, to becoming Catholic again. I was so sure of myself because of the encounter I had and spiritual happenings that took place whilst on route to a deeper relationship with that.
Now I’ve gradually lost my interest over the years. I used to go to Mass every day or week and studied everything book that I could find. Like all spiritual beginners I grabbed all the icons and crucifixes, books and necklaces one can find.
Not only that but I was interested in actually practicing the faith. The encounter I had turned my attitude around 360 degrees. What may be odd to some but not to those who are spiritually tuned in, is that mystical experiences does not mean you wont lose the run of yourself and take a nosedive in your relationship with God.
That’s whats happened me. After a while I began to convince myself that what I saw, felt and experienced and the mark I’ve been left with afterwards was and continues to be all in my head. I’ve done this so I can somehow escape this Church which I feel no longer serves me or my existing children’s spiritual growth.
Other days I really wished I never had any encounter and could return back to my life of what I considered ordinary living. I played guitar, sang and I went to the pub every night and had plenty of people to hang out with.
I always considered myself capable of major wrong doing but not as bad as the atheist with 666 written on his forehead down the road. Why didn’t the Lord reach out and find him? Why did he have to come and bother me all of a sudden and what makes me so special that he had to do what he did?
All these thoughts run through my brain and there are times when I become overwhelmed.
Then I get introduced to the Orthodox church more and more. I feel so rested in that church. Whenever I’m in a Catholic church or group I feel agitated and unable to find rest in it. It was never that way before and I could withstand any amount of modernist rubbish thrown at me, but as time progressed I became increasingly angry towards all things Catholic.
Even so, saying goodbye was hard to do so I began to make one last attempt to quietly deal with what happened me. I rang the local diocese and asked to see an exorcist and go through whatever procedures necessary. The lady told me I’d have to explain it to my immediate parish priest, and if he felt strongly enough about it he’d have to represent me for an exorcism.
In between trying to make this arrangement I met one priest who said it wasn’t from God. Great I thought, I finally have some sort of answer and will have this sorted in no time but nothing came from it as I realized inappropriate help was being offered that raised a red flag for me.
Then I went to the immediate parish priest who having listened to everything from my climb to my fall and to my existing state and how I’m convinced it’s not of God he said ”Stephen…what you have is ”X” and it’s from God. Your whats known as a ”X” soul and I cannot give you exorcism or represent you because you show no signs of the demonic”.
I pleaded with him and asked him not to be so naive because my daily life does not reflect that of a holy person and the fact that I even have a love for the Orthodox church should be enough of a tell tale sign. His response was ”I can only represent you if you show signs of the demonic but you don’t. ” ”You have lost your way and now it’s time to accept what has been given you and to move on and continue to live your life and come back to God and his church, its as simple as that.”
Another priest also felt it was from God and said that the reason I am in the current state I am is because I’ve no spiritual guide, nobody to guide me.
I’m at the stage now where I’m totally lost. In the beginning when it first happened I was so sure of myself it was from God and wanted to tell everyone but priests would tell me it is not from God. Now I go and tell priests its not from God and they tell me it is.
Either way I’m still here with nobody to help or represent me. It makes me even more angry towards Catholicism because you see so many people following all these people in my country who believe they’re having all sorts of apparitions when they’re most likely not and yet here I am in my house for 8 years (with no followers thank you Jesus haha) sitting with something that I’ve been ignoring for the last 7 years very open to the idea of not being from God. I would love to get an answer so I can get on with my daily life but unable to get any help whatsoever.
The only people who know are my parents, priests, my wife and that’s it. I’m reluctant to tell anyone as I’ve realized its of no spiritual benefit to anyone so there’s no point. It’s also spiritually too much for some to handle.
So the goodbye to Catholicism is taking longer than expected. I would love for nothing but to enter the Orthodox church and be rested. I feel like the agitated King Saul whose agitated moods could only be soothed by the playing of the Harp. I feel like this every time I visit an Orthodox Church. The Orthodox church may not think it, but they’ve no idea how much they please God.
The Catholic church whilst I continue to believe it is the one true Church, has become an absolute circus. I really don’t like it and so I find my peace by just attending confession and Liturgy. Any other invites that require social gatherings in the church I always avoid as the more I interact with it, the more I become disillusioned with it.
Back to my predicament there is hope though. I was passed to this guy who apparently has the gift of reading hearts. I know, sounds ridiculous and I’d probably not approach people like this but I’m desperate at this stage. I email him and he tells me he has a waiting list of phone calls ( he phones you and talks with you over the phone) and so I’ve to wait a whole year. Whether or not he’s the real deal I don’t know. Don’t care at this stage as I’m desperate for answers. I’m afraid that I’m gonna die and never know. that’s my biggest bug bear.