I’ve been to the doctor today. I thought I really need to nail down this feeling I have of constantly being tired and disinterested in everything because I’m too tired to engage with anything or anyone.
I just thought I need a blood test but my doctor having asked some questions thinks I’m moderately depressed.
I must admit that part of my depression is the confusion I’m currently engaged in with regards to my family and their religious and spiritual journey. The whole Orthodox and Catholic thing is driving me insane.
I have however resolved to try and ignore the issue altogether and I tend to ignore members of both churches, the Catholic one in particular.
In addition to this I have a hard time concentrating on things or creating for myself things I enjoy. Truth be told I can’t go anywhere on my own because my wife often displays emotional distress at the thought of me not including her and the kids.
I thought perhaps I’m suffering from exhaustion but the doctor highly recommended I create some kind of schedule and to really stick to it and to try and socialize with others as I tend to be withdrawn from society in a way.
But the thing is is I like being withdrawn from people and I often find the less I engage with others the more content I am. I often just come home from work and I sit by my icon wall for the evening. There I sit for the whole evening and sometimes I feel guilty as the only time I spend with the kids is when it’s prayer.
I really need to be more diligent about creating play time for them but I’m so out of sorts that actually getting it done is the more difficult part.
But my biggest worry is their spiritual future which I want to but….just-cannot-see it happening in the Roman Catholic church and it drives me nuts that this is all there is on a local level.
I’m also discontent where I live and desperately trying to secure a house in a more rural setting to further the distance between them and the godless influence on the street.
They come in with all sorts of dirty talk that they’ve learned on the street and they’re only 6 years old. I told my wife that you want to homeschool them yet send them to their spiritual death on the streets? What is the point of your homeschooling?
My wife came from a privileged background and never had to worry about this kind of thing at all so she feels it’s out of her control. I on the other hand grew up among this and I worry about what happened to me will happen them.
I don’t want this. I don’t want my kids learning from the godless on the streets. That is what happened me growing up and it started from rapping doors and running away to throwing stones at windows and running away, to stealing, smoking drugs and engaging in sexual acts as young as 8 years old.
I freak out when I hear them say disgusting words. I never wanted this kind of life for my kids. So now I’m presented with a difficult decision which is to move into the rural area and spend more money or stay where I am.
So all of this is weighing very heavy on me. Tomorrow I go for a blood test also to eliminate perhaps some vitamin deficiency I may have but doctors convinced I’m depressed.
I don’t think that, I just think I’m under an incredible spiritual attack but it’s not easy living with what I have to live. My laptop battery is about to die but I will write more later on whilst I believe depression whilst it certainly is a physical illness that it has it’s roots in the demonic.